I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
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There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
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I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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