my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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