She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
