Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
