At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
