tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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