I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
