okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
