Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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