I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
