u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
