Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
