Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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