Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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