filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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