i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
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