I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
