chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Will exercising make me less horny?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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