areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize