i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
bring money and cleavage
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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