Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
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