I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
