my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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