she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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