No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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