Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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