I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
