when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Randomize
