Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
