He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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