i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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