Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
