I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
