if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
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