Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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