i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
