I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
