I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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