Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
