mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
