I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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