my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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