woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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