I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
