I looked at my own cervix.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
