I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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