That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
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Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
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My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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