Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
