I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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