I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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