Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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