There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
