I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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