did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
