is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
