Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
