i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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