Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
only you would photoshop your dick
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
